• I will not send Michael any sort of care package while he is in Saudi Arabia, or any other time for that matter, regardless of what I see that I know he’d enjoy.

• I will not apologize outside of my professional environment unless I am really, genuinely sorry.

• I will not spend a minute longer at work than absolutely necessary to complete my contracted tasks.

• I will not circle the spelling errors in professional communication I receive.

• I will not put off unpacking my boxes just because I don’t expect to be here much longer.

• I will not feel any dumber than I absolutely must for wanting what I want, when I want it.

• I will not allow anyone to make up my mind for me, no matter how benign the choice.

• I will not be manipulated into doing things for others that I simply do not want to do.

• I will not feel guilty for the way I feel about anything, everything.

• I will not accept flimsyass excuses from anyone.

• I will not offer flimsyass excuses to anyone.

• I will not abandon my ideals just to influence the overall outcome for the sake of peace.

• I will not put off things until the last minute.

• I will not put Opportunity on hold while waiting for Destiny to call back.

• I will not pick arguments over petty things to offset the larger issue.

• I will not accept being anyone’s second choice for anything.

• I will not put off doing what I want to do in order to help unappreciative people keep up with what they have to complete.

• I will not be intimidated by anything short of a runaway train headed my way or a crazed gorilla escaped from the zoo and hiding in my closet.

• I will not accept any substitute of lesser value.

• I will not turn into a cantankerous whorebitch as a result of reclaiming my self-esteem.

• I will not forget my manners.

• I will not operate in Doormat mode.

• I will not be reduced to a Post-It note when I feel like a postcard.

• I will not be offended the next time someone tells me to act my age.

• I will not hold on to stupid things any longer than I want to, especially if I’m just latched on to prove a point.

• I will not adhere to anyone else’s emotional schedule.

• I will not be scared off by uncertain terms.

• I will not discount information just because I don’t want to hear it.

• I will not become paranoid when it seems things are going ‘too well’.

• I will not brood over things that turn out badly.

• I will not accept any more or any less responsibility than I deserve when shit happens.

• I will not be dropped down the totem pole just because I haven’t been alive as long as certain other people.

• I will not reject new ideas just because they are new and I didn’t think of them first.

• I will not be micromanaged.

• I will not micromanage.

• I will not overreact or under-react. I will extend the courtesy of accuracy in response to whatever goes on at any given time.

• I will not be made so overwhelmed that I cry.

• I will not sulk if I don’t get my own way.

• I will not elaborate for anyone unless I feel it pertinent to the situation.

• I will not poll for input or secondary advice unless I really need it and/or plan on using it to help me in the decision-making process.

• I will not let the shitty attitudes of others impede my generosity.

• I will not accept cheap shots or take them either.

• I will not seek freedom from restraint to the point I become disgustingly reckless.

• I will not feel uncomfortable for disagreeing.

• I will not pick at others until they are uncomfortable just because they disagree with me.

• I will not allow repeat offenders to extort unreciprocated favors from me.

• I will not be bullied into setting the record straight just to shut people up on any topic. If I want to clarify, that’s my right and privilege, but I will not be cornered into saying anything I don’t want to divulge.

• I will not underestimate the power of stupid people to screw things up.

• I will not do a little dance and point fingers in all directions when it turns out I’m right and everyone else was wrong.

• I will not change my behavior to accommodate the standards of other, regular people.

• I will not be lulled into a false sense of security.

• I will not accept tradition as an excuse for inefficiency.

• I will not enable people’s issues to splash onto my feet.

• I will not be made to feel retarded for giving money to the homeless.

• I will not purchase any school fundraiser crap I don’t want.

• I will not rely on others to provide me with things I am capable of obtaining on my own.

• I will not tune people out as a habit.

• I will not refuse to let people be nice to me.

• I will not tolerate uncooperative people or dead weight when it comes down to the evaluation of my success.

• I will not resent others for getting ahead in life, even if I do think they totally suck.

• I will not take myself too seriously.

• I will not be outraged and/or irreparably hurt when the inevitable happens and someone lies to me.

• I will not take on more than I can reasonably handle just because I know I’ll figure something out and get it all done.

• I will not censor myself in my free time.

• I will not let The Boy criticize me.

• I will not rehash memories to figure out what would’ve helped change the outcome.

• I will not limit myself to anything without a clear personal agreement.

• I will not exceed my own marked limitations just to evade being boring.

• I will not be stupid enough to think it is possible to live wholly without regretting anything.

• I will not fail to learn from my mistakes just because I don’t want to admit I screwed up in the first place.

• I will not dumb down what I say for anyone over the age of twelve.

• I will not show Luis my breasts.

• I will not be erroneously categorized.

• I will not forget to return my library books.

• I will not argue religion with theologians holding degrees from the College of Dan Brown and University of Anne Rice.

• I will not delude myself into thinking I know more than I really do.

• I will not always champion the opposing side of an argument just to be difficult.

• I will not be shocked when people don’t change.

• I will not take out my frustrations on innocent bystanders.

• I will not refrain from asking questions, even stupid ones, when I want an answer.

• I will not nod-and-smile my way through sensitive issues.

• I will not pretend to even try to understand or explain what makes people do most of the lame shit they see fit to do.

• I will not expect empathy from people who can barely remember to breathe on their own.

• I will not start watching crappy television shows just to have something to talk about with my coworkers.

• I will not downplay or upsell my efforts.

• I will not forget to water my plants.

• I will not expect people to pick sides.

• I will not forget to enjoy the scenery.

• I will not allow anyone to hijack, literally or figuratively, my trip to Glasgow.

• I will not lose my need to find the miraculous aspect of things.

• I will not superimpose general opinion into law and try to make it balance out.

• I will not take on any more expendable roles.

• I will not become cavalier about details when I get bored with the task(s) at hand.

• I will not freak out when I get lost.

• I will not write people off just because they are doing what works for their own situations, but I don’t have to be guilty by association.

• I will not procrastinate doing my taxes.

• I will not forget I need to get the oil changed in my car the first week of July.

• I will not wear uncomfortable underwear.

• I will not make amends with anyone if I don’t really want to.

• I will not get utterly bent out of shape when things go every way but the way I want them to.

• I will not revise or rethink anything if I like it the way it is.

• I will not ignore good advice, even if I hate the person giving it.

• I will not confuse coexisting with appreciation.

• I will not put off organizing stuff.

• I will not set out to waste my own time, or anyone else’s.

• I will not offer up things I don’t really want to give.

• I will not make a public spectacle of my feelings.

• I will not cheer too loudly when karma bites people I don’t like in the ass.

• I will not let anything my mother says ruin my day. Ever.

• I will not refuse to take ‘no’ for an answer, but I will not hesitate to attempt a negotiation for a more favorable response.

• I will not leave my debit card at home when I go out shopping.

• I will not throw proprietary documents away without shredding them first.

• I will not let 2007 serve as a gorier sequel to 2006.