1) I am a classic only child, even though I have a sister. If you can figure that one out, you’re far smarter than anyone else I know.

2) Despite having a terrible sense of direction, I like to drive; it’s an affordable alternative to therapy. Give me gas money and I’ll drive us to Somalia. With my luck and suspect navigating, we’ll be there day after tomorrow.

3) I like to cook.

4) Jungian.

5) I can remember what my teacher was wearing on the first day of second grade, but I have no idea when most of my sister’s children’s birthdays are.

6) The Barefoot Contessa scares me; I’ve no doubt she knows what she’s doing in the kitchen but…egads! Wtf is wrong with her voice? And her husband?

7) I am not even marginally good at math.

8) I saw a poster in a travel agency when I was seven and decided at that point to grow up to be a Thai woman.

9) I’ve never gotten a parking ticket.

10) I’m a big fan of Arts & Crafts-style architecture, particularly Charles Rennie Mackintosh.

11) I know I must have an outrageous number of pens somewhere, but I can never seem to find one when I need it.

12) I love this website and keep hoping for a legitimate reason to buy something there.

13) I have bad taste in music. And damn proud.

14) If I thought they’d let me, I’d get myself a placard for work that says “I Didn’t Go to College for This Shit.”

15) My hair is already turning gray. I got that from my dad…in addition to the anomaly known as hammertoes. Genetic lottery jackpot, for sure.

16) I used to bite my fingernails all the way down. Now they’re long. If there’s supposed to be an underlying cosmic message to that, I haven’t gotten it yet.

17) I finish everything I start, even if it takes me an inappropriate amount of time.

18) I have an amazingly bad sense of timing.

19) I know the trauma of having a home perm.

20) I really like crossword puzzles.

21) I have to make lists on top of lists–lists of lists, even–or I’d never get anything done.

22) I do not like wearing a seatbelt.

23) I (heart) Dollar Tree®. Where else can you kill like an hour and a half for less than $10?

24) I don’t have a problem with standardized tests.

25) I had to totally re-educate myself on organization. I missed that fundamental early on in life.

26) I like cherry blossoms a whole lot.

27) I plan to visit each existing Frank Lloyd Wright property at least once.

28) I have absolutely no musical talent whatsoever; I can’t even whistle.

29) I have a crush on Dale Chihuly.

30) I have the attention span of a cocker spaniel with ADD.

31) Sometimes I give people the wrong answer in triplicate just so they’ll become exasperated and leave me alone.

32) I like Fiestaware.

33) I think President Bush is a total tool, and I don’t think that makes me a better, or worse, American than anyone who disagrees.

34) I love trash television. It’s my anti-drug, though I suppose it should be the other way around.

35) I am not an alcoholic.

36) I am a compulsive snacker.

37) I’ll buy pretty much anything with a peacock motif.

38) I do not wear hats. Ever.

39) I share a birthday with Danny Glover, Rufus Wainwright, and Bob Dole. My mother can’t quite figure out why I hate her for this, but I kind of do.

40) I wonder how the people hosting HSN, QVC, etc. programs can take themselves seriously; it’s not right to be so enthused about lab-created gemstones and knitwear.

41) I always seem to be running behind, but I usually manage to get where I’m going on time.

42) I haven’t missed a day of work in three-years-and-some-change. I think of this as restitution for all the school I skipped.

43) I have way too many purses.

44) I change my mind often.

45) I go to church.

46) I don’t believe in love at first sight, but it would be kind of cool if I did.

47) I would probably accept Grape Jelly flavored Jelly Belly jellybeans as a form of currency.

48) I want to learn to make really over-the-top garnishes.

49) I speak before I think on a regular basis.

50) My hearing is either bad, or superhuman. I haven’t decided which.

51) My job has nothing to do with my educational background. Frankly, my job has nothing to do with the real world. I am in the process of drafting letters of complaint to all of the people from my formative youth who told me it would different.

52) I am originally from Burnt Corn, Alabama, and have just recently hit the plateau of adult (im)maturity where I can admit that. It’s somehow become trendy to be a hick.

53) I wish I had better penmanship.

54) I like making pickles.

55) I don’t think there’s anything respectable about keeping your Christmas lights up year-round.

56) I know I don’t drink enough water.

57) I am pretty much scared of everything.

58) I love flowers, but I could kill a silk plant. I’m just not a nurturer, zodiac sign be damned. I can grow tomatoes, though.

59) I think there are few things creepier than grieving online, especially when there are MIDI hymns and animated graphics involved.

60) I don’t like people who can’t spell.

61) I try to live by the ideal of “Let’s not, and say we did.”

62) I cannot stand musical theater.

63) I like scratch-off lottery tickets; they make up the bulk of my retirement plan.

64) I have no idea why anyone would want to go to Minnesota. The name just sounds bad.

65) I believe in the Constitution, which is why I put the kibosh on the whole law school thing.

66) I think people who insist on constantly diagnosing themselves (and others for that matter) through incomplete or otherwise inconclusive means should be prosecuted for medical malpractice. Taking a self-assessment on WebMD and having your message board friends concur does not a healthcare professional make.

67) I have a lot of personal convictions, but I don’t know if I’d actually fight to the death over them. No one has ever presented me with the opportunity; they usually quit and leave me alone after the first couple of rounds.

68) I enjoy solitude, but not isolation.

69) I like magnetic poetry so much I may have to get a larger refrigerator just to accommodate the habit.

70) I don’t see any hope of redemption or reform for the Welfare System.

71) If I happened to write my memoirs, all nine pages of them together would be titled It’s Not Like You Know Either.

72) I will be glad when the United States’ jingoistic phase passes. It left Redundancy years ago and is flying straight into Irreversibly Obnoxious.

73) I daresay Gulf Shores is better than the Bahamas.

74) I can’t figure out how in the hell Bette Davis was ever considered a sexpot.

75) I’m not deluded enough to think if I ruled the world I’d make things better; mostly I’d just upgrade my tiara and lounge around.

76) I don’t have anything against cloning, but I sincerely doubt aliens have anything to do with it.

77) I never cease to be amazed by the ’causes’ people will rally to protest in public about.

78) I’ve never seen the movie Titanic all the way through, but it’s not like I don’t know how it ends.

79) I usually only go to weddings to make fun of stuff.

80) I feel kind of bad for anyone who thinks Red Lobster is the apex of high-class dining.

81) I will gladly testify before Congress that there is never an acceptable reason to use eyeliner as lipliner.

82) I like Chinese food.

83) I’m a big Kandinsky fan.

84) I get caught up on details.

85) My birthstone is ruby.

86) I started getting offers in the mail that are typically shopped to the elderly when I was about nine years old, because I have such a geriatric sounding name.

87) I can’t really see why anyone would want to visit a Disney attraction.

88) I can’t keep track of things like Chap Stick, cigarette lighters, X-acto knives, checkbooks, and stuff like that, so I just have several stashed away at any given time.

89) I don’t eat seafood of any kind.

90) Against my better judgment, I love holidays.

91) I make a mean grilled cheese sandwich.

92) I think if I tried to turn any of the things I enjoy into a career, I’d hate them and it would be pointless.

93) I love zinnias.

94) I sometimes phrase answers in the form of a letter, even when I’m just speaking to people in front of me. “Dear (Name), shut up and die. Hugs and Kisses, Virginia.”

95) I am not opposed to the death penalty.

96) I wish someone would really map out for me the logic behind the idea of granting driver’s licenses and/or other state and federal benefits to illegal immigrants. I don’t get it at all. It’s not like we’re known for just being nice like that in other areas of national import…what gives?

97) I really didn’t like Napoleon Dynamite, but I thought Gummo was okay.

98) I take issue with Habitat for Humanity in my community. They are demolishing historic structures to put up cheaply made, generic houses for people who won’t get a damn job to support themselves, much less their five illegitimate children. I fail to see the merit. “Here, Butterbean, have a passel of youngins you can’t name normally, or bathe regularly, much less feed and clothe on your own…and as an added bonus, please accept this chipboard cracker box for you and your heathens to wreck, courtesy of the working population.”

99) For me, Whole Foods is practically a tourist attraction. I go there more for the entertainment value than the actual grocery shopping.

100) I think I’d like to tryout to be a contestant on Jeopardy someday.