I’m sure if I had enough time, I’d be able to prove that I sometimes really hate everything.
I do not like:
Musical theater
Acrylic yarn
The Bush Administration
My neighbors
Lost stuff
Stale bread
Being pathologically self-destructive.
Public restrooms
Grillz
Those stupid Jesus/Darwin fish.
The entire fourth floor of the building on Veterans Pkwy.
Bad spellers
Panhandlers
Dryer lint
People, including myself, who are scared of everything.
Jägermeister
The United States Postal Service
Fat-free sour cream
Sweatbands
Bad writing
Ugly stamps
Dental plaque
Cheap garbage bags
Hurricane Katrina ‘refugees’
Long lines
Ratty towels
Cubans
Houndstooth
Brain freeze
Rubber cause bracelets
Nervous tics
The celebrity status of people unworthy of celebration.
Running late
Dial-up Internet
Dead camera batteries
When The Boy makes me repeat myself twenty times and still ignores me
People who can’t take a hint, including myself
Biting my tongue
Affirmative Action, etc.
Cheap lotion
Being lost
Michael Bublé
Ill-conceived Americana
New Yorkers, especially the ones who move their asses to Florida to die and then talk to me like I’m stupid because I don’t speak as if I have a vise holding my face together and have no way of knowing that when it’s said “New Yurk” it’s supposed to be the city and “Noo Yorke” is how they say the state. A thousand begged pardons, I guess I missed that day of Stupid School.
Wearing out a pair of shoes before you’re ready to let them go.
Picking up the slack
Finding that a pen has gone through the washing machine with all the stuff you like to wear
Kool Aid
Ugly jokes
Reptiles
$2.009+ gasoline
Mouth-breathers
Confederate flags slapped on every surface that would hold still by people who wouldn’t know the difference between the Richmond-Petersburg Campaign and Watergate if the world depended on it. If the source of your pride is shopping at Spencer’s Gifts, you’re doing something wrong.
Frozen waffles
Conscious and deliberate stupidity.
Missing garbage-pickup day.
Receiving bad instructions
Running out of toothpaste
Traffic court
Culturally dead people
Undue enthusiasm
Being lambasted for not having children/a husband/The OC DVD boxed set, etc.
Mandatory optimism
Morning
Having The Checkbook That Refuses to Balance
My compulsive need to apologize, even when it’s not my fault.
Bad movies
Censorship
Inflated shipping charges
The fact Robin Thicke has been allowed to live, breathe and produce a musical album. Ew.
Those viral “facts” and essays that get shopped all over the place, copied and pasted like a herpes outbreak on a Bible College campus. For instance, the word politics comes from the Greek language, not Latin and bears no reference to ectoparasites of any order.
Anna Nicole: An Unfinished Life continuing to air at every turn months and months and months after she went the way of an overfed pet goldfish.